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SquibblingSquirrel
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Name: Squibbling
Location: Alexandria, Louisiana, United States
Birthday: 8/23/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Squibbling
Expertise: Squirrels
Occupation: Government
Industry: Media
Message: message me
AIM:  SquiblngSquirrel
Member Since:
8/23/2005
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|  School Appears to be in for Long Semester
by Augustus Cottingham
©2006 SquibblingSquirrel Media
This past Spring, Louisiana College announced the selection of Shelley Slack for the position of Vice President of Student Development.
Slack had been on faculty of the institution for approximately 9 minutes.
Dr. Shelley Slack
Dr. Jim Freeforall has previously held both the roles of Vice President for Academic Affairs and Student Development. Appleguard says the separation of the two areas will allow for greater control and surveillance to be given to each individual area.
"Dr. Slack has a vision of the continuation of the integration of faith and learning," Appleguard insists. "She shares our desire for the entire world to be surrounded by love and ignorance."
"Ignorance," Appleguard later commented, "is bliss." "The Office of Student Development at Louisiana College seeks to become a model for other Christian liberal arts colleges," Slack says, chuckling at the irony of her use of "Christian" and "liberal" in one phrase. (It has been previously noted that the current administration under Appleguard does not believe that one can be both.) "The goal is to establish a network of programs and services that excel in meeting our fundamentalist agendas, which we will cleverly disguise as students' needs. Unlike the previous Dean, (a position that has been made obsolete) we intend to actually complement excellence in their academic experiences, and to build a Christian community on a diverse campus."
Appleguard added under his breath, "We tried that Dean thing for 23 years, I just didn't really see where all that was headed." "All activities will be designed to simultaneously model and demonstrate a healthy Christian world view," Slack asserts. "All actions and activities will be founded in the Bible and planned in consideration of Christ as Lord of our lives."
Slack also notes that every activity, slated for both on and off campus, to be performed by a student, faculty, or staff member, current or past must be submitted to her office for approval approximately 6-8 weeks in advance. Slack will immediately begin the tiresome labors of vice president, and she will retain faculty status, teaching one course per semester in the Division of Human Behavior. (Editor's note: Though Slack was already a faculty member, it has been noted that she never actually taught anything.) "Student development will support and provide learning opportunities at all times with an emphasis on spiritual growth and maturation," she says. "Students will be given opportunities to grow in understanding of their talents and how they might serve the administration... I mean.. Lord.. in their daily walk." She is listed in the National Register of the American Association of Mental Retardation. Prior to joining the Louisiana College faculty, Slack was in private practice in clinical and forensic psychology. For more information, contact Appleguard at 318.487.7401. | | |
| Appleguard Postpones Own Inauguration
Raises the Question, "Does He Change After All?"
by Augustus Cottingham
(c) 2005 SquibblingSquirrel Media
Today in a shocking turn of events by the Louisiana Baptist Convention, Dr. Jeff Appleguard, newly-elected president, has annouced the postponement of his own inauguration. The inauguration was to be held on September 22 on campus of the flagship college of the LBC, Louisiana College. According to Appleguard, this move came about due to the sensitivity of the Monsoon Christiana tragedy.
“So many in our part of the world are suffering because of Monsoon Christiana,” Appleguard says, “and many in our Baptist community have been affected. We feel like our direction from God at this point in time is to focus on ministering to those who are in need. There will be time for an official inauguration later, when we have recieved adequate funds from our regular contributors.. I mean.. nevermind.”
Although the inauguration, as well as the accompanying worship service, to be conducted by Donald Haskins, have been postponed, the prayerwalk is still to go on as scheduled. However, participants in the September 24 prayerwalk will be encouraged to traverse the entire Gulf Coast, and pray for each Monsoon Christiana evacuee individually.
The tentative date for the rescheduled inauguration is March 23, 2006. Appleguard's formal installation as president will feature several of the same activities as originally scheduled and is sure to be heavily influenced by Southern Baptist Committee chairperson, Helena Handbasket.
The theme of his Inauguration plans has been “Unchanging Foundations in Changing Times,” which was taken from the Scripture verse of Malachi 3:6.
Unfortuntely, due to this sudden change in his inaugural plans, many have been left to question, "Does the Lord, indeed, change after all?" It has been noted that in a previous interview, Appleguard remarked that, "Like the Lord, (he) changes for no one."
"This issue has led to the serious re-thinking of Appleguard's election," said Southern Baptist demonination member, Wilma Jeffries. "Many of the demonination's devotees are worried that this type of liberal thinking could be the downfall of all that we stand for."
Even so, Appleguard assures Southern Baptists everywhere, “Even in these uncertain times, we are confident that our foundation in the Lord is steady and that He will provide the leadership we need as we seek to assist those in need in our midst.” | | |
| Jeff Appleguard Elected President of the LBC
Institutes Plan to Unchange the Masses
by Augustus Cottingham
(c)2005 SquibblingSquirrel Media
In a surprise election held yesterday afternoon, Dr. Jeff Appleguard was elected as the new president of the Louisiana Baptist Convention. Apparently backed by Helena Handbasket, and a secret committee of Southern Baptists, Appleguard, who was previously denied as a nominee three times, was voted into the position.
An emergency inauguration will be held for the new President on September 22, at 10:30 AM on the Louisiana College campus. Appleguard, who is now the 56th president of the LBC, plans to deliver a message entitled, "Unchanging the Masses," derived from the Scripture Malachi 3:6.
"Like the Lord," said Appleguard, "I change for no one." He later added, however, that if changes ever were to be instituted, they would come directly from Donald Haskins, executive director of the LBC, and "Most certainly must be approved by Helena Handbasket." Mrs. Handbasket would not comment on the newly-elected President's remarks, but did nod her head approvingly.
Appleguard has been openly Southern Baptist since 2000, but has a deep personal history with the demonination. Appleguard notes that he knew the convention was for him when his wife, Jessie, proposed that he become a member back in his early days at Louisiana College. Since then, all three of their children have converted to their parents' religion as well.
"The Louisiana Baptist Convention stands in a unique predicament as a 'National Spiritual Treasure,'" Appleguard says. "With the full support of all conservatives, our beloved convention will continue to grow in value, and number, as a gleaming treasure chest of spiritual steadfastness for our children all across our unchanging state."
Dr. Appleguard also stated that he intends to organize a state-wide prayer walk to validate this momentous occasion. "We set out a fleece," he said. "We told God how many voters it would take to ensure my election and we got that exact number. However," he hastily added, "You can never be too careful." | | |
| Bad Translation of Matthew 6:5-6 Leads to Hasty Student Wedding
A
little Greek, a lot of confusion
by Dahlia Bloom
(c) 2005
SquibblingSquirrel Media
When LC junior Homer Vernon bought a New
Testament Greek Dictionary at the Alexandria LifeWay Christian Store
last fall, he never expected that a minor printing error would lead to
a sudden wedding. "I figured it would be a good dictionary," he
said, adding, "Rick Warren had endorsed it."
However, when Homer tried
to use the dictionary over the summer to translate a passage from the
Beatitudes, he inadvertently made a major error. "I looked up the
word proseuch, which I now know means 'pray,'" he stated. "The dictionary said it meant 'marry.'"
As Homer translated it, the passage from the book of Matthew said:
And when you marry, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love
to marry standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be
seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their
reward in full. But when you marry, go into your room, close the
door, and marry to your Father, who is unseen. Then your
Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
When Homer read his version of the passage, he felt a burning sensation
in his upper abdomen. "I immediately thought of my fiancee
Marianna," he said. The two prayed about the passage, reading repeatedly
through Homer's translation, which he had copied out on looseleaf
notebook paper. "Marianna felt the same burning sensation, so we
thought it must be the will of God that we marry immediately."
"I don't know why we didn't think to look at an English translation,"
Marianna interjected, laughing. "I have at least two copies of
The Living Bible, and I know Homer has The Message and maybe an
NIV. I'm sure those translations would have gotten it
right."
The next day, the two were married in a closet in Marianna's
apartment. Homer's friend Daniel Blitzkrieger, a local youth
minister, performed the ceremony. The couple did not even tell
their parents of their intentions until the day of the wedding.
"In addition to obeying what we thought were the words of our Lord, we
both agreed that it would be a very good joke," Homer told us.
Although the Vernons have now realized their Greek mistake, they are
happy with the results of the misunderstanding. "It's
exciting to be married," Marianna said. "And now we get to live in Married Student Housing!"
Homer agreed. "If I weren't a Christian, I'd drink a glass of wine to celebrate. But instead we're having oinou. My dictionary says that means 'grape juice.'"
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| Squibbling Squirrel to Give Explanation
Talk of disclaiming vehemently denied
by Augustus Cottingham
(c)2005 SquibblingSquirrel Media
For those of you out there in Wildcatland who may be wondering, "Just what is the Squibbling Squirrel?" I say this: The Squirrel is our take on the current events around campus. You may say that we here at the SS do not report the facts, but trust me, facts are subjective.
We will never use actual names in our reports, and this is solely to protect the innocent. It will always be obvious who the guilty are, and trust me, they will be persecuted. We may at times ask you to draw your own conclusions to the news we report here, but rest assured that at other times, our opinions will unabashedly be forced upon you.
Finally, for those of you who insist on our likening ourselves to someone else out there in cyberspace, I would say consider us The Onion of Wildcat news media. Just remember readers, The Squibbling Squirrel should never make you cry. ...Unless you're one of the guilty.
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